I am sad.
Not because anything tragic has happened to me.
Not because I have any real reason to be. If anyone ever reads this, they'll know I write on-line as personal therapy.
Things are great for me. I am blessed beyond belief. I am, however- a jealous person. I always am looking at the grass on the other side of the fence, wishing mine was just as green, forgetting that the neighbors installed a see-through green bubble around their property, making everything look green.
Look- I know I write about stuff like this constantly, most likely because when I'm enjoying myself I rarely take the time to sit and write about it.
I miss China, and at times I wish I was still there- knowing full well that were I there I'd be missing here.
Perhaps this is a roadblock for me- maybe this is a detour to other things, but I just cannot accept living for what people live for here, I've only been here for a few months and it's eating at me. I just want to feel like I stand out. Maybe I'm just an attention hog, or I feel like I need to be special. Who knows.
Whatever.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
This new apartment smells like a new apartment...but I'm still scared of quicksand.
"This new apartment smells like a new apartment...but I'm still scared of quicksand."
I'll get to the title of my entry in a moment.
I want to talk about love. About real love. I think a lot of people in this country have forgotten what it means. Including myself.
You see, we've tricked ourselves into thinking that love is accepting a person totally and without condition. That sounds good, it sounds pretty and nice, but if your best friends and your family never held expectations for your character, for your actions- would they be good friends, reliable family members?
As Christians we tend to polarize the situation, we either judge indiscriminately or we "love" indiscriminately. Love is an action, not an emotion, not acceptance. Love is being there for someone, telling them what you feel, and hoping for the best. If you're my best friend, or a close friend at least, I'm going to hold expectations for you. I'm going to want to see you grow, just as I hope you'd want to see me grow.
Love is action, emotion is only it's part-time job.
As far as the title of my entry is concerned. I've been back in the States for about 2 and a half months, and the transition has been rough, at least in my mind. I left China, a place that needs help, a place that allows you to work a decent job with extremely minimal hours. A place where you run on your own schedule, where by very nature of your being foreign helps you.
I miss it dearly, though I fear for the wrong reasons.
You see, I like the easy life. I like setting my own hours, I like not worrying about insurance bills that most likely will never benefit me, but are necessary in case of disaster.
I like feeling admired for being me. I like the uniqueness that being there bestows upon me. The third day I was back I noticed that I looked just like everyone else. It made me feel out of touch.
And yeah, there is a lot of good to be done there, but I'm afraid I want to go back one day- not to be worthwhile, but to qualm my own personal desire for being "special."
When did just being a follower of Christ stop being special?
Sometimes I forget that. I still want to get back out of the country. I like the perspective it's given me, superiority complexes aside.
I'm not sure how or when. But it's something to look forward to.
< ><
Danny
I'll get to the title of my entry in a moment.
I want to talk about love. About real love. I think a lot of people in this country have forgotten what it means. Including myself.
You see, we've tricked ourselves into thinking that love is accepting a person totally and without condition. That sounds good, it sounds pretty and nice, but if your best friends and your family never held expectations for your character, for your actions- would they be good friends, reliable family members?
As Christians we tend to polarize the situation, we either judge indiscriminately or we "love" indiscriminately. Love is an action, not an emotion, not acceptance. Love is being there for someone, telling them what you feel, and hoping for the best. If you're my best friend, or a close friend at least, I'm going to hold expectations for you. I'm going to want to see you grow, just as I hope you'd want to see me grow.
Love is action, emotion is only it's part-time job.
As far as the title of my entry is concerned. I've been back in the States for about 2 and a half months, and the transition has been rough, at least in my mind. I left China, a place that needs help, a place that allows you to work a decent job with extremely minimal hours. A place where you run on your own schedule, where by very nature of your being foreign helps you.
I miss it dearly, though I fear for the wrong reasons.
You see, I like the easy life. I like setting my own hours, I like not worrying about insurance bills that most likely will never benefit me, but are necessary in case of disaster.
I like feeling admired for being me. I like the uniqueness that being there bestows upon me. The third day I was back I noticed that I looked just like everyone else. It made me feel out of touch.
And yeah, there is a lot of good to be done there, but I'm afraid I want to go back one day- not to be worthwhile, but to qualm my own personal desire for being "special."
When did just being a follower of Christ stop being special?
Sometimes I forget that. I still want to get back out of the country. I like the perspective it's given me, superiority complexes aside.
I'm not sure how or when. But it's something to look forward to.
< ><
Danny
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
My Weak Spot
Over the years I've discovered my own weak point- over analysis. Sometimes I can't shut my brain off. I'm not sure if other people deal with this like I do or not. Basically, I think about possibilities. All of them. Good ones, bad ones, okay ones. I think about the results of each, I think about who I'll be in each.
The problem with possibilities is that they aren't real. They're just possible. I think it's very easy to live our lives by possibility, and not in the here and now. Part of it is because for the first 20 years or so of our lives, we have sections mapped out for us for what we're supposed to be doing. (like high school, college, etc.)
When we focus too much on one aspect of our lives, the others start to fail and then we attribute said failure to the aspect we were focusing on. The problem with this kind of thinking is that the blame is given to an outside factor as opposed to our own lack of balance, rationale, and logic.
We've reached a stage in life where we no longer have people to tell us what to do. We no longer have people telling us where to go. We just have us.
That's a scary thought, because a lot of times we don't trust us. We're not grown up enough to make these decisions. Thus, we live in the future, hoping it will map itself out for us eventually. The problem with that is that it won't, and while it's not doing that, we're wasting the daylight hoping for tomorrow's sunrise.
< ><
The problem with possibilities is that they aren't real. They're just possible. I think it's very easy to live our lives by possibility, and not in the here and now. Part of it is because for the first 20 years or so of our lives, we have sections mapped out for us for what we're supposed to be doing. (like high school, college, etc.)
When we focus too much on one aspect of our lives, the others start to fail and then we attribute said failure to the aspect we were focusing on. The problem with this kind of thinking is that the blame is given to an outside factor as opposed to our own lack of balance, rationale, and logic.
We've reached a stage in life where we no longer have people to tell us what to do. We no longer have people telling us where to go. We just have us.
That's a scary thought, because a lot of times we don't trust us. We're not grown up enough to make these decisions. Thus, we live in the future, hoping it will map itself out for us eventually. The problem with that is that it won't, and while it's not doing that, we're wasting the daylight hoping for tomorrow's sunrise.
< ><
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Members Only Jackets
So for about the last year, I went to church in an apartment building underneath me. There were about 6, maybe 7 of us. It was nice, we just read and discussed and sang and had fun and it felt like we were really worshiping God.
I've moved back to the States, and I've noticed a trend here. Sometimes, being a Christian is like a "Member's Only" jacket: You don't have to be a member, but once you have it, you feel like you're really good.
It's like a club- because we're here in America where it's personally offensive to tell someone they're doing anything wrong, because "hey, you do bad stuff too." I finally get what my friend Kevin meant when he said people would get mad at him. He's a very bold, passionate person and he often tells his closest people that they are not doing what they should.
I'm not sure I'm there yet. But it makes me a bit unsettled when I walk into a fancy pantsy building with huge ceilings and hundreds of people in suits with sprayed hair and ties. I just wonder how many of them are actually actively Christians. What's more, these queries lead me to ask myself what I'm actively doing, and I'm afraid that complacency shows up as one of my worst weakenesses.
When I was in China so many people assumed all of us Westerners were Christians. Maybe that's a bad thing, because of th ebad examples we set. I just know that being a Christian has to be more than culture, more than a punch clock.
I've moved back to the States, and I've noticed a trend here. Sometimes, being a Christian is like a "Member's Only" jacket: You don't have to be a member, but once you have it, you feel like you're really good.
It's like a club- because we're here in America where it's personally offensive to tell someone they're doing anything wrong, because "hey, you do bad stuff too." I finally get what my friend Kevin meant when he said people would get mad at him. He's a very bold, passionate person and he often tells his closest people that they are not doing what they should.
I'm not sure I'm there yet. But it makes me a bit unsettled when I walk into a fancy pantsy building with huge ceilings and hundreds of people in suits with sprayed hair and ties. I just wonder how many of them are actually actively Christians. What's more, these queries lead me to ask myself what I'm actively doing, and I'm afraid that complacency shows up as one of my worst weakenesses.
When I was in China so many people assumed all of us Westerners were Christians. Maybe that's a bad thing, because of th ebad examples we set. I just know that being a Christian has to be more than culture, more than a punch clock.
Monday, December 22, 2008
A Beautiful Feeling.
Today someone told me that I changed his life. That I "showed him how to live."
I had no words to respond. I have no right to claim those words. I have no right to think of myself as great. When I first heard those words, I tried to act humble and thought nothing of it for the rest of the day.
Later in the evening I was talking about Jesus, and how He changed all of our lives, whether we know about him our not. I was thinking about how much my life has been influenced by people I knew because of Him.
I guess I just never realized that Jesus could change other peoples' lives through me.
It's a beautiful feeling.
< ><
I had no words to respond. I have no right to claim those words. I have no right to think of myself as great. When I first heard those words, I tried to act humble and thought nothing of it for the rest of the day.
Later in the evening I was talking about Jesus, and how He changed all of our lives, whether we know about him our not. I was thinking about how much my life has been influenced by people I knew because of Him.
I guess I just never realized that Jesus could change other peoples' lives through me.
It's a beautiful feeling.
< ><
Friday, December 12, 2008
Anger and Growth
If you've talked to me for any substantial amount of time, you may hear me say things like "I very rarely get mad- just a little frustrated every now and then."
This is true, I tend to keep a subtlety about me when I am mad. If anything I am slightly passive aggressive (though this is something I am working to end, as it is highly annoying to basically....everybody.)
The reason I rarely get mad is because when something that may evoke anger from someone usually causes me to think very deeply about the matter. Sometimes I think about the result of the situation were I to get angry. This usually results in me ceasing to be upset, or at the very least, not angry.
Most of my moments of frustration over the past five years are directly caused by disappointment, in myself or in others. I have been told that I "demand a higher level of optimism and morality out of the people" and I think that having an attitude like that requires disappointment, as people are fallible.
Throughout all of this, I know that I myself need some improving. Probably more than most, but if we all wait to fix ourselves before we ask others to refine their lives, we're never going to get anywhere.
Being told we need to change is probably one of the most difficult things to hear as well as one of the things we are most prepared to refute when we do hear it. I know that as soon as my actions, lifestyle, or choices are challenged as being wrong or sub-par, I almost instantaneously have a response for as to why I don't need to improve.
This attitude is just character suicide. The more that we refuse to grow, the more we are headed down a path to devaluing our lives.
If you're not growing, you're dying.
If I am the exact same person I am right now in 5 years, then what have I been doing???
< ><
This is true, I tend to keep a subtlety about me when I am mad. If anything I am slightly passive aggressive (though this is something I am working to end, as it is highly annoying to basically....everybody.)
The reason I rarely get mad is because when something that may evoke anger from someone usually causes me to think very deeply about the matter. Sometimes I think about the result of the situation were I to get angry. This usually results in me ceasing to be upset, or at the very least, not angry.
Most of my moments of frustration over the past five years are directly caused by disappointment, in myself or in others. I have been told that I "demand a higher level of optimism and morality out of the people" and I think that having an attitude like that requires disappointment, as people are fallible.
Throughout all of this, I know that I myself need some improving. Probably more than most, but if we all wait to fix ourselves before we ask others to refine their lives, we're never going to get anywhere.
Being told we need to change is probably one of the most difficult things to hear as well as one of the things we are most prepared to refute when we do hear it. I know that as soon as my actions, lifestyle, or choices are challenged as being wrong or sub-par, I almost instantaneously have a response for as to why I don't need to improve.
This attitude is just character suicide. The more that we refuse to grow, the more we are headed down a path to devaluing our lives.
If you're not growing, you're dying.
If I am the exact same person I am right now in 5 years, then what have I been doing???
< ><
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Strapped for Cash
It's 8:43 PM on a Tuesday here- 7:43 AM on Tuesday in the Eastern time zone.
You know, I always feel compelled to write in a blog when I am in a weird mood. It's quite possible that blogging is simply self-therapy. I am in the People's Republic of China, and I am about to leave for the United States of America- the land of high cholesterol and high gas prices.
I am apprehensive about my re-entry to the Western world. Not that I don't live like a westerner here, but I do have certain aspects of Western culture absent from my life here. Things like money worries, an abundance of bills (not the ones with with the presidents on them), and paying an exorbitant amount of money to go to a restaurant are all all things I don't have to deal with here in China.
Seriously, I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner each day for less than three U.S. dollars- usually from a restaurant. It's good food too.
You see the cost of living is excessively cheap compared to Western countries, though I assume it will go up as China's economy continues to rise. (Seriously, everyone's countries are expecting a shrinking of their economy, and China is merely expecting a decreased growth!) Because of this, I can cross town for less than a dollar, eat a good meal for less than a dollar, and buy a set of retractable nun-chucks for less than two dollars.
Retractable nun-chucks cost a lot more in the States, I bet. I suppose we tend to not notice when we switch currencies because everything becomes relative. It's not uncommon to see someone pay for some snacks from the local grocery store with a 100 RMB bill. (approximately 15 US dollars) When I'm here, things I would gladly pay 15 dollars for in the States become grossly overpriced when I have to pay for them with a 100. (For exaple the China version of Monopoly that I probably won't buy because I don't want to bother bringing it back with me.)
One thing I am excited about is being able to buy CD's and Movies without having to figure out if they're bootleg or not.
Pretty soon, the USA will have me back. We'll see how things go from there.
< ><
You know, I always feel compelled to write in a blog when I am in a weird mood. It's quite possible that blogging is simply self-therapy. I am in the People's Republic of China, and I am about to leave for the United States of America- the land of high cholesterol and high gas prices.
I am apprehensive about my re-entry to the Western world. Not that I don't live like a westerner here, but I do have certain aspects of Western culture absent from my life here. Things like money worries, an abundance of bills (not the ones with with the presidents on them), and paying an exorbitant amount of money to go to a restaurant are all all things I don't have to deal with here in China.
Seriously, I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner each day for less than three U.S. dollars- usually from a restaurant. It's good food too.
You see the cost of living is excessively cheap compared to Western countries, though I assume it will go up as China's economy continues to rise. (Seriously, everyone's countries are expecting a shrinking of their economy, and China is merely expecting a decreased growth!) Because of this, I can cross town for less than a dollar, eat a good meal for less than a dollar, and buy a set of retractable nun-chucks for less than two dollars.
Retractable nun-chucks cost a lot more in the States, I bet. I suppose we tend to not notice when we switch currencies because everything becomes relative. It's not uncommon to see someone pay for some snacks from the local grocery store with a 100 RMB bill. (approximately 15 US dollars) When I'm here, things I would gladly pay 15 dollars for in the States become grossly overpriced when I have to pay for them with a 100. (For exaple the China version of Monopoly that I probably won't buy because I don't want to bother bringing it back with me.)
One thing I am excited about is being able to buy CD's and Movies without having to figure out if they're bootleg or not.
Pretty soon, the USA will have me back. We'll see how things go from there.
< ><
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